Dear Journal,
Do I feel more guilty than the average person? Do I run myself down a tad more?
I just cut short my rehearsals and came rushing back home to meet Ma who returned from Malshej Ghat this evening. I kept thinking about how I conducted myself with A this evening. Rehearsals were also alright. I wish I had a copy of the script.
Today Ra Ti treated me to some samosas because he said that there was a marked improvement in my performance. That's oweing to my altered mood. I just can't bear the heat and the humidity between the bouts of rains. It plummets my blood pressure and affects my performance.
I had once asked Dimma why she didn't dye her hair and she said that it was because she wanted to age gracefully. I also want to age gracefully. I wish I hadn't spoken to Na V the other day. He is a bad influence and said bad things to me.
It's been a full day with two auditions given and rehearsals attended. The least I can do is show up for myself whether I feel like it or not. The least I can do is show up and grow up.
I was reading up on Jungian psychology today that gives a lot of import to imagination. I seem to be in a phase where I'm not really thinking too much, I'm not imagining too many things, I'm going with the flow and am a little anxious.
I read about how Jung used symbolic visualisations to heal his patients. If I could find such a symbol to meditate upon it would be a frutiful exercise. Years ago P Sag had taken my Jung book and she has never returned it. She also took my copy of Primate's Memoir and never gave it back.
I don't know why but I feel I've been rather rude to some people in the recent past and that weighs on me. The other day See Dhi told me I should get over my guilt. I've never intentionally hurt anyone and I should understand that. Well, I wish my mind had supported me more.
Ma seems to have had a great time with her friends. She was just telling me about what she ate and how beautiful the place was.
I have to prepare the significance for tomorrow's meeting and I have to chant now and eat dinner. Then I'll bathe and head to bed. There is no point worrying about the future. Whatever will be will be.
I am feeling:
Itchy like I am coming down with an allergic reaction.
Happy
Happy to have Ma back
Placid
Full of love and life
I am grateful that I showed up for myself today.
I am grateful that I had samosas with Ra Ti today.
I am grateful for my theatre rehearsals. I need to rehearse more.
Love,
Me.
9.54 pm
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