Dear Journal,
2019 to 2021 were pretty rough for me, especially 2019. I was raped by three men, was in an abusive relationship and made some really bad friends. I also was deeply sucked into the Gakkai. I also left my career, looking for an alternate career in acting. It didn't work out, although I still have dreams.
I had no one to talk to, so I went and complained to the cops. But may be they didn't believe me. They didn't do anything. My brother beat me up. We experienced the horrible lockdown when I lost my mind, hopefully for the last time.
Are all these the result of having an aggressive mother and father, who never once let me follow my dreams so I let loose? I've had to fight with my parents for pretty much everything I've ever wanted, whether it was to have a career in writing and editing, or the right to speak my mind. I'm still not allowed to drive. They'd much rather have me shut up. Why have I been stopped by my father at so many junctures? Why haven't I met a man, who understands me so far? Why have I lost so many friends? Why did I let Qudsiya force me into smoking my first cigarette? Why have I been such a hobo? Why have so many men, including boyfriends like Rohan Kotian and Shyam Kishore, abused me sexually? Is this about Indian men, or are men in general jerks as a species? No wonder I can't find myself dating anyone. The Dalai Lama says that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. I would love to believe that.
How has Mashi become so selfish? I mean she has uber strong illogical dislikes.
What makes a human being holisitically strong and whole? What makes someone full of love?
I want to feel whole.
I am grateful for my home.
I am grateful for my meals.
I'm grateful for my parents.
I'm grateful for my Macbook.
I'm grateful for movies and books.
Love,
Me.
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