Dear Journal,
I have to, quite affirmatively have to do something about my anger. I was just in rage with Ma and Pa about the medicines; even though I knew I should stop I didn't. I stopped only when Buro opened the door with his keys. I'm scared of Buro, even though I love him. He has beaten me up a lot over the years. Indian cops are incompetent. Despite complaining to them, they have done nothing. I am a victim of domestic violence and gender discrimination that is rampant in India.
What angers me the most is when everybody shouts and beats people up in my family why am I the only one taking medicines?
Buro started beating me up when he was studying in Chaman Vatika. There was no reason for him to beat me and thrash me. He used to grab me by the hair and drag me around the house throwing me from one end of the room to the other. The house was not renovated like it is today. Would Baba have stopped him if he had got into St Stephens? I don't know how he treats his girlfriends. They must have relationships of dependency.
I just hope that this journalling will help me resolve issues of my anger because incompetent doctors like Karthik Rao are of no help. I just hope that this year I mature and grow as a person. I really want to forgive. I hope this year is good.
It is difficult to forgive in proximity. It's easier when there's distance. Rather it's difficult to forgive in the face of violence and when problems persist.
When I used to complain about violent Buro when we were in college Ma always blamed me. I've been blamed for everything. She blamed me for complaining. And Buro has badmouthed me a lot to Ma. I'm sure he's badmouthed me in general.
When we went to Men Tsee Khang for the first and only time all Ma did was complain. She didn't say one good thing about me. That means this is how she talks about me to others. Baba is the same. He complains about me to all and sundry. I wish I just had some support, love and someone who understands me. I can't help it if all my family sees me as is a problem. That's their problem. Or is it? That's why I've become so angry. Hope they had faith in me and loved and accepted me for who I am. But they don't. Well, to be honest even I see problems in them, hence journalling. This will resolve. Only love can move mountains.
No wonder I can't stop smoking. I really want to kick the butt. Will someone ever even read all this?
My biggest wish: I want to die with no regrets. I'll always do the best that I can. I really wish the best for everyone, especially Buro. In times of happiness I worry about him.
I am grateful for my family.
I'm grateful for my home.
I'm grateful for the good parts of my upbringing and I hope to never make the mistakes my parents have made with children. I am not grateful for violence.
I'm grateful for this journal.
I'm grateful for my phone.
Im grateful for wifi.
I'm grateful that I want to forgive and I know I will. May be I should distance myself from my family.
I am not grateful that Ma barges into my room unannounced.
I'm grateful for my friends.
Qudsiya hasn't replied to my Friendship Day greeting. I guess even she doesn't want to be friends with me. Won't message her again. We've grown apart.
Love and regards,
Me.
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