Dear Journal,
I've just watched over half the movie Darlings. I'm reminded of the times Buro has thrashed me. However, it's easy to forgive him because I remember the times Ma beat Buro up when he was but a baby with objects that were probably heavier than his weight.
I have a huge scar on my head from a time Ma wounded me with scissors thrown at me. Ma always blamed Thama and Pipi and criticised them to no end.
She was hopelessly depressed, cursing us, wishing Buro was dead.
I always stepped in while Buro received blows trying to protect his young body with mine.
Domestic violence is a crime. Nobody, not even Dimma and Dadu, protected us.
I grew up heavily depressed. Buro was the favourite because he was social and had a lot of friends. Baba especially thought I had no brains being heavily influenced by a Tantrik and astrologers. Ma often called me ugly and cockeyed when I was small.
This resulted in me laying down my barriers and becoming friends with everyone, leading to rape and abuse. I drowned myself in drugs and alcohol, looking for some acceptance.
All acceptance was false. I have none of my old friends left. They are all married with children and have never bothered to keep in touch. I sometimes wonder if they are happy. Hopefully they are.
Life has taught me that nobody is completely happy. Absolute happiness. What balderdash. To sell Ikeda's books and the VC.
If I find the trick to lasting happiness I would sell the antidote for free, giving it about with all my love.
Psychiatrists are of zero help. Neither do they counsel you nor do they listen or remember what you told them. All they want is for you to take medicines.
I get very angry sometimes and really wish I didn't. Movies like Shutter Island and Darlings caused me to relive grave past trauma.
Even Shashank as a friend, or Nagesh for that matter are useless-- they are horny with loose morals.
Nagesh, of course, thinks he is very famous and rich. May be he is. But he's an ass. I don't think I want to meet him ever again.
I wish I hadn't studied Life Sciences, but something like English Literature Or Art.
Mashi of course said I have no talent for Art, discouraging me and sending off her own daughter to study Art. I find her and her entire family very selfish. They are brazenly selfish.
I am grateful for life and my desire to love.
Love,
Me.
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