Dear Journal,
So Qudsiya finally replied. She hadn't checked my message. I'm not priority. May be when one starts a family, friends come last. But I love her despite her stubborness, arrogance and attitude. She is and may be always will be my best friend.
Today I asked Pa the three top things he is grateful for. At first, he promptly got irritated as with anything else I'd have asked him. Then he told me he is grateful to be alive. That tells me my father really values his life and is far from suicidal tendencies and despondency.
Then he said: "I am grateful for me." Which tells me that he has no self-hatred for which I am very grateful.
Lastly, he said he is grateful for being active and being able to play tennis, which is my biggest prayer for him. He has just returned from the doctor, and I really hope Baba can play tennis.
I asked Pa if he isn't happy that I'm his daughter. He said: "Of course. I said I'm grateful for me, which means I'm grateful for my family. My family is a part of me."
That was pleasing. Pa not only loves us in an embracing manner but is also a family-encompassing patriarch. That explains a lot. It's also problematic because his identity is his family. No wonder he's been so restrictive. My mistakes are his mistakes. My successes his. A bit outdated this thought, but reassuring in its own sweet way.
I just asked Ma the top three things she is grateful for. I'm sure she lied as she fumbled with words.
Firstly, she said she is grateful that we are all safe and protected, and have good friends. She meant that. But she fumbled a lot with her words.
Then, she said she is grateful for our health. Then she backtracked and changed her mind saying there are health problems, alluding to me. So she is not grateful for our health. So secondly, she said she is grateful for our house. Ok. I agree, but may be we should say we are grateful for our home. And henceforth I will.
Thirdly, Ma said she is grateful that we have never lacked anything. She said we haven't got luxuries but we have whatever we need. Which told me Ma is not happy with what she has. Which also means she is not happy with herself. Pa is a much more satisfied person than Ma with fewer regrets. I would never have guessed.
This simple exercise showed me that I should be more like Pa unlike what many incompetent psychiatrists have told me. Rather Pa has fewer needs. I must also be single-mindedly focused and kind. And I should inherit Ma's concern for us. Mothers are selfless. Well, I am a bit of both.
I dare never ask them what their regrets are.
The rest for another time.
I am grateful for my parents with all their idiosyncracies.
I am grateful for my little brother, concern, rage, love and all.
I am grateful that I write.
I am grateful that despite Ma's severe depression in our childhood and her beating of us, we grew up surrounded by love. There's no doubt that we love in our family. Nothing special. But special.
I am grateful that despite being sexually molested, abused and raped multiple times I am whole. And I am positive that I will live a rich and fulfilling life.
I am grateful for my anger (which I should express in healthier ways) because it's the birth of this beautiful journal.
I'm grateful for this journal.
I'm grateful for my job and my boss who pushes me to work and is friendly. A pleasant change from Raj Ahuja.
I'm grateful for my friends.
I am grateful for Qudsiya.
I am grateful that I get to teach Shilpa.
I am grateful for the many realisations I've had since I've started this journal.
I am grateful that I've left the Gakkai because then I was only lying to myself with determinations and chanting, far removed from reality. The Gakkai is a passively dangerous cult organisation. I am grateful for Whistleblowers.
I am grateful for butter.
I'm grateful for the delicious food I get to eat every day thanks to Ma and Suchandra.
And last but not the least I'm grateful for my family, home and hearth.
Love,
Me.
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