Dear Journal,
It's been long since I wrote something meaningful. I've been thinking about things that are difficult to face.
Just finished watching Season 3 of Never Have I Ever. It reminds me of the childhood or teenage years I never had.
I bought myself a book on palmistry. Already read it before. Satty borrowed my old copy when we were in college and refused to return it. Pooja S did the same with some of my other books. So gross.
According to Cheiro, the head line is the most important line. My hl in my left palm is totally messed up, indicating what I inherited from my parents. On my right palm it's fairly beautiful, indicating what I've created. This means that I've had a tough life because of my childhood. Would have never thought that if I wasn't studying the book.
Those who listen to my story think I must be pretty messed up. I must be.
I often feel my parents and brother are ashamed of me. They don't regard my feelings, or give me credit for what it's worth.
I wish I had never lost my virginity to Kotian. I didn't really want to. I bloomed late and badly. Quite badly. Why was Ma so messed up when we were kids? Was Thama really that traumatic? Ma didn't react well.
The more I write in this journal, the childhood sex abuse doesn't come to mind, but Ma beating us up does. Is it because I've forgiven the guy who did this to me? I must forgive Ma. I have to understand her pain and Thama's pain.
I'm sure Ma and Pa are embarrassed of me. I'm sure they are.
I mean they blame themselves and me when other people bitch about me to them. Things like we saw her talking to herself. I mean, I feel people say these things to Ma and Pa to really rub it in. It hurts that Ma and Pa have never stood up for me publicly or told people off.
Despite the way I was treated in the Soka Gakkai, Ma continues her manic faith. Blind faith. It's so sad. How can chanting to a piece of paper be meaningful? She must've lost it.
Did Shashank really inappropriately touch Pa? He seems to be the only friend I have left. My meltdown on social media has left me with no friends. No one talks to me anymore. I want some kind friends.
Will I ever find love? Psychiatry is no help. Rao is not insightful at all. He's a boring prick. May be not. But I can't talk to him because doctors are perverts.
Pa feels actors are perverts. No, they are emotional. Not always perverted. Emotional and open.
I want to make it as an actor.
I want to heal. I want to forgive.
Focus on forgiving Ma.
Love,
Me.
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