Dear Journal,
Ma just got home a while ago and asked if the maid should clean my room. I have already cleaned my room and bathroom so there's no need for this inept maid to do that.
Point is Ma doesn't have the courage to talk about things that really matter. She's just bothered about the maid. Nothing else. What is she running away from?
I've come to realise that as humans we are always trying to run away from something. Escaping something or the other, hoping that the bandaid treatment will work.
But it never does. Classical Buddhism is right. We have to face and own our suffering.
Chanting foreign words to a piece of paper is not the antidote.
Well, I know Ma won't reply to my messages much less talk about it. In understanding her I know I will understand myself. So let me try and understand Ma.
She wanted to study and not get married and her father made her marry Pa. An Indian woman's destiny. She was unhappy because she perceived Thama and Pipi to be evil, and Munima as some golden angel.
Neha aunty and Shilumashi who mollycoddled her were her best friends. So she likes people who sweet-talk her despite her being so foulmouthed herself.
So Ma will be as faulty as possible but expects the people in her life to be angels.
So she doesn't really feel her harsh words and actions are really harmful. Why? That's the question. Why doesn't she feel she affects people badly? May be she doesn't mean to. May be she feels it's not really harmful. But it is.
So she doesn't own up to her harsh words and actions because she perceives them to be harmless.
Hey, that's me! I'm also like that. I don't mean badly but get angry. Why?
I will get to that.
Why do I shout and scream sometimes? Because of hormones. Because of trauma in the past that hasn't been resolved.
It's got to be the same with Ma. May be her childhood wasn't all rosy. May be Dadu and Dimma were harsh on her. That's why may be till date she wants to prove herself by being superhuman. I'm sure Dadu was harsh. He was harsh with me and he did force her to get married. So Ma was so unhappy and trying to make sense of her father that she hit us, and became super frugal. Ma and Pa are still super frugal.
Point is both Ma and Pa meant well, but their actions and words were harmful. A lesson. We never know how we may hurt people. May be they are so in denial because their intentions were good and they were just letting off some steam on the softest target. Well, I'm going to forgive them for this. And forgive myself.
This journal is a blessing.
Love,
Me.
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