Dear Journal,
This ought to be painful. Why did I run away to Tifr? Why was I so high on my imagination that I ran away in the middle of the night?
Firstly, in the heat of the moment, I didn't think it was inappropriate. I actually wanted to run away, and meet so and so. I was imagining. I felt it was important.
Bottomline is I wanted to feel important and I felt running away was the way to do this.
Of course, I was doped. But that's besides the point.
I wanted to feel important. Nobody has ever made me feel important except Pa. Nobody, I mean, except for when they wanted sex. Like Kotian and Bhabesh.
I mean what I remember is I was imagining I was running away with some unknown lover. Is that my fantasy? Long buried since these traumatic events.
Bottomline is nobody has ever made me feel important. I've been just a side story.
Second bottom line is I wanted someone to love me the way I imagined I should be loved. Nobody has ever loved me like that.
Will anybody ever? I've had my imaginary crushes.
What I learnt is that to make life beautiful the onus is on the self. No Prince Charming is about to walk in. Kotian and Bhabesh were far from Prince Charmings. But I settled for them for a bit.
I don't think I deserved them. They were far too enamoured by me to be normal.
There is someone for me I know. Someone who will understand and accept the hallowed me.
Just not how I imagine it. Everything in my life is as I wished, but not as I imagined it.
Someone is there. I know.
Love,
Me.
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