Dear Journal,
Ever since I've known Ma she has been unhappy. Either she's raucously laughing in that perverted way, or she's unhappy, or she's busy.
The reason I feel an urgent need to forgive Ma and get over my unhappiness is because I've seen her taking many missteps because she was so acutely unhappy. She beat us up for one. And she is in total denial about it. I know I say many hurtful things because I'm angry.
Is the only way to get over sadness by choosing joy? Can you fake happiness? It should be deepfelt. That would be bliss.
Ma and Pa deny all the things they've done. Pa denies meeting Babaji. He denies that a group asked him to allow him to let me do theatre with them when I was 13. They escape their sadness. Baba must be truly sad. It's like he's just waiting to die. The way he advertised the tantrik, he must've been unhappy with Ma. He made me thank him etc. And treated me like third-grade.
Well, may be Ma and Pa have truly forgotten these things. That just makes it my personal pain and that makes me cry.
I mean Dhawale just ignored my pain. All therapists do that. They just want to focus on what's rosy, and tell you such and such is the problem.
I really want to be happy. I really want my dreams to come true. Will they ever? Am I just mediocre really?
I mean am I so bad that toi threw me out? That was very traumatic. Are we not human? Is there no humanity?
Is it really just about the money and showsharaba? Sex is on everyone's mind these days. There's no place for innocence. It's really all about the money. That's always been the case. May I be super wealthy.
Love,
Me.
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