Dear Journal,
I've been (at the back of my mind) trying to put into perspective my youth.
Firstly, I don't think I can stop people from having negative perceptions about me. More often than not one is quick to critique rather than understand.
Secondly, I think imagination is natural. It's only that I fell for my imaginations many many times, leading to irrational actions.
Thirdly, it's human to make mistakes. To forgive myself.
Today, as I meditated I felt a step closer to forgiveness. Inshallah I'll get there. That's happening.
No forgiveness is possible without understanding. I usually reach a point where I do a step-into-the-shoes kind of exercise and I'm usually able to forgive. The process can be cathartic, and unburdening at the same time.
There are many things that are too painful to talk about. Of course, I will talk about them in this hidden journal soon.
If only people were honest with themselves, 90 per cent of their troubles would be over. I would recommend journal writing to everyone.
I've been imaginative forever. It shapes the brain as reality does. The experience is the same.
Stephen King credits his imagination and visualisation for the books he writes.
What pains me the most is that my entire youth has been spent taking medicines, harassing my hormones and me. 😣
I wish that were not the case. I wish I had been more pragmatic and resilient. I wish Ma had not forced me to study Life Sciences, and Pa had let me study in St Stephens. My youth has been spent under stringent parental authority with Buro being treated as mature.
I hate it when Ma and Pa stare at me and laugh when I'm taking medicines.
I was told by Ankesh that my high testosterone levels are because of the pills. It makes me so sad. I haven't experienced womanhood. (I feel like crying.)
Why did Ma thrash Buro and me when we were small? She should have known better. I could never do that to a child.
She used to wish Buro and I were dead out loud, cursing and abusing us. Why didn't she take medicines then?
The pain is immense as I face it. The bad news is that it sometimes swallows me. The good news is that it is laced with hope, and fuelled by dreams. Mediocrity just won't do for me. It never will.
I'm grateful for this journal.
I'm grateful that KR has never hospitalised me.
I'm grateful for my good health.
I'm grateful for my job and my boss.
I'm grateful for money.
I'm grateful for my ideas.
I'm grateful for my family.
I'm grateful for my home.
I'm grateful for the food I eat.
I'm grateful for Stephen King.
I'm grateful that I write.
I'm grateful that my desires propel me.
I'm grateful for this phone.
I'm grateful for my laptop.
I'm grateful for wifi.
I'm grateful that I'm healthy.
I'm grateful for all my friends.
I'm grateful for love and life.
Love,
Me.
Comments
Post a Comment