Dear Journal,
When you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss gazes back into you. If you hate something or someone wholeheartedly you become what you hate. The answer is love. Love has no reason. It is life itself. It is God. Life has no reason, it just is. And love has no reason, it just is. Even hatred must be a form of love.
I find that hatred and sadness are not conducive to peace within. So now, today I will cast my mind on the sole focus of love and happiness and work hard. My reason is love, because it is life itself.
I can't expect anything from my parents. No love, no understanding, no acceptance. And the worst thing is they take no time to reflect, they only look at a piece of paper and focus on their desires. That is an evil philosophy. It is.
Any way, I said some very hurtful things to Ma yesterday because I was hurt. I don't expect her to forgive me because I have not been able to forgive her. Forgive her I will, but till then all I can give her is my unconditional love, on which she can anchor all her being. I love my family there is no doubt about it. But I have realised they will never understand me. They don't know me. They never will. All they see are faults in me.
I'm never getting married. My singlemost desire is to serve until my dying breath for all eternity with love, kindness, compassion and courage, growing forever wiser in service. Love is service.
I hope Ma is having a good day. She does behave abominally sometimes. May be they find me trying, the way I find Buro trying. To be more easy on them.
Hope shonama is having a good day. I love her.
Also, I forgive Buro for hating me and saying it so many times. He must hate me, otherwise he wouldn't say it. But I forgive him. I'll just stay out of his way. If he doesn't want to talk to me I can't force him.
I'm grateful for my heart.
I'm grateful for my life.
I'm grateful for my unbounding courage.
I'm grateful for my wisdom.
I'm grateful for my understanding.
I'm grateful that smoking is behind me.
I'm grateful for my parents.
I'm grateful for my brother.
I'm grateful for happiness.
I'm grateful for my job.
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